Struggles

    These past few months have been hard on me. I've struggled with a lot lately.

       Many of you probably do not know that I have adopted siblings (four to be exact and one biological). Two years ago we adopted a little girl, she was originally from the wonderful country of Russia. The family who had brought her out of the orphanage was struggling to deal with the problems she presented. This little girl has Reactive Attachment Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress. She was constantly rejecting her mother and the instructions given from the parents and other figures in charge. After four years of dealing with her issues they handed her over to us.


   We thought that we could deal with her, and perhaps set her on the road to healing.  I took her in with an apprehensive feeling in my heart. I don't really believe I have ever thought of her as my sister, even after we adopted her. She's always been more of a boarder to me, a terrible boarder.

   She presented the same issues that she had at her previous home. My family, having seen these with our other three adopted children addressed these the way we had before. After awhile we realized that our methods weren't working. She was always having rages and making us late to important things. She was always doing something she wasn't supposed to. Every holiday or day we got to do something fun she always decided that was the day she was going to go full out even though she hadn't had a problem in weeks.


  I found myself changing. I lived in fear of what the little girl would do next. Would she ruin my birthday party? Would Caroline be able to go to that thing she wanted to go to? What if she had a fit on Christmas? What would we do?

   When she left for a few weeks back in October I realized it. I wasn't me then. I was some other girl who was always on the edge all the time. My parents and siblings had changed too. My mother was always on edge, never wanting to do anything that we had done in the past for fear of it being ruined. My father was stressed, wondering if the little girl would do anything today. Always wondering who would be crying when he got home. Would it be his wife and kids or the one child who refused to fit in the mold?


   Those few weeks of her being gone was bliss. I was me again. I was the Emily that had been lost for two whole years. It felt wonderful. My parents were themselves again too. They were the fun parents I had missed. They were taking us to restaurants after church with our friends. They even let me have a moon bounce at my birthday party.

   The things we had tried didn't work out and a few weeks later the little girl was back in our house for good. The Lord had helped me let go of a lot of anger I had in my heart towards her. He had taken away the burden I felt for so long.

"I removed his shoulder from the burden; his hands were freed from the baskets. You calling in trouble, and I delivered you. I answered you in the secrete place of thunder; I tested you in the waters of Meribah." Psalm 81:6-7

 I was reading my Bible one night, pouring my heart out to the Lord and He showed me that verse. It was an instantaneous feeling. I was free. I was free to be me again. I didn't have to live in fear anymore, for the Lord had taken the baskets from my hands.


   I'm so glad my God is a faithful God. If He weren't I'm not sure what kind of state I would be in right now. He always is on top of things, I'm so grateful for that. He's brought so many wonderful people up beside me, many whom I never would have thought I would be good friends with. We've all shared our struggles, always encouraging the other, sharing bits of Scripture and things learned. It's been such a blessing to have found these young men and women.

Thank you all so much for your prayers and advice. You've been such a blessing in my life. I praise God for you all every day.

I'm still trying to be me. I'm still trying to not let the Devil steal my joy and my life. I have to remember to rejoice in the Lord daily.


Always rejoicing.